I’m getting one of these. A jardinière. For my fire escape.

The last time I heard the word ‘jardinière’ was on video messenger during lockdown. I was chatting to my mate Finch Loudet, porn actor turned director.

He said that only cohabiting porn couples were able to work under the lockdown rules. On OnlyFans. Often asking subscribers to send in sex-suggestions.

Four days into lockdown, apparently, the subscribers were past requesting pegging, turd play and zombie necrophilia, and instead were commenting:

‘Bit of Vanish Oxy, loves, when you next wash those sheets.’

‘Your bedside rug has been turned up in that one corner since Monday.’

‘Forget golden showers between yourselves, you need to water that jardinière.’



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Iestyn Edwards

Iestyn Edwards

Author of war memoir My Tutu Went AWOL, Vaudeville turn.